A. Whitney Brown Quotes

Alan Whitney Brown (born July 8, 1952) is an American writer and comedian best known for work on Saturday Night Live in the 1980s. In addition to writing for the program, he appeared opposite Dennis Miller in a biting satirical Weekend Update commentary segment called "The Big Picture." He won a 1988 Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing in a Variety or Music Program, along with Al Franken, Tom Davis, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Lorne Michaels and Conan O'Brien. He was also one of the original correspondents on Comedy Central's The Daily Show from 1996 to 1998

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A. Whitney Brown


The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down.

A. Whitney Brown


Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

A. Whitney Brown


Harry S. Truman had his moods. His birthplace is the only tourist attraction in America where you don't see Japanese with cameras.

A. Whitney Brown


I'm not an atheist. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

A. Whitney Brown


The very fact that the jaguar can become extinct while the Pekingese survives indicates to me that someone hasn't thought this thing through.

A. Whitney Brown


There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a billion people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.

A. Whitney Brown


Plant trees. They give us two of the most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books.

A. Whitney Brown


Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.

A. Whitney Brown


Once again decent citizens will be able to enter this house of worship, kneel down in front of a nearly-naked man hanging from a wooden apparatus by a series of gruesome body piercings, and engage in their bizarre practices of ritualized blood-drinking and cannibalism without being assaulted by graphic images of attractive young women with bare breasts.

A. Whitney Brown


The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

A. Whitney Brown


I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.

A. Whitney Brown


I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest.

A. Whitney Brown


Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

A. Whitney Brown


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown


A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.

A. Whitney Brown