Doug Stanhope Quotes

Douglas Stanhope (born March 25, 1967) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and author known for his cynical and controversial comedy style.

Read more about this author on Wikipedia

Doug Stanhope


I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Doug Stanhope


Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Doug Stanhope


Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

Doug Stanhope


There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

Doug Stanhope


Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

Doug Stanhope


It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Doug Stanhope


They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

Doug Stanhope


I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Doug Stanhope


Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.

Doug Stanhope


I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Doug Stanhope


People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Doug Stanhope


There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Doug Stanhope


Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

Doug Stanhope


Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Doug Stanhope


You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Doug Stanhope