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Emo Philips

Emo Philips (born Phil Soltanek; February 7, 1956) is an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant.

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't ...

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord does ...

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police ...

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they ar ...

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life supp ...

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I re ...

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in se ...

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realis ...

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a sea ...

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.