Jarod Kintz Quotes

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Jarod Kintz


I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

Jarod Kintz


I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.

Jarod Kintz


We made love like we made grilled cheese sandwiches. Did the sandwiches cause us to have sex? Did one bullet lead to WWI?

Jarod Kintz


I love advertising, because I love self-promotion. I love mirror time, which is Me Time.

Jarod Kintz


When tragedy befalls me and someone says, Better you than me, I always reply, Yes, I am better than you.

Jarod Kintz


Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

Jarod Kintz


I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.

Jarod Kintz


My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

Jarod Kintz


Jacksonville is home to the most romantic man in the known universe. And it will be for some time, until I either move away, or my clone arrives to challenge me for my title.

Jarod Kintz

#N


I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.

Jarod Kintz


Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death

Jarod Kintz


I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple.

Jarod Kintz


My internal voice raised its decibel level. Sam O. Same

Jarod Kintz


Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a lot more chin-ups done this way.

Jarod Kintz


One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

Jarod Kintz