Primo Quotes

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with th ...

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

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Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob ...

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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa ...

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I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a con ...

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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwe ...

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A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what ...

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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

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Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

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This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot th ...

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