Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always retur ...

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their ...