Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know ...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody ...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that s ...

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't m ...

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out o ...

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we ...