Woody Allen Quotes

Heywood "Woody" Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg, December 1, 1935) is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, and playwright, whose career spans more than six decades.

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Woody Allen


I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Woody Allen


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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Woody Allen


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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Woody Allen


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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen


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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen


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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

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Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.

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I've inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father's hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother's surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude.

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Life is for the living.

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Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

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Me and nature are two.

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Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.

Woody Allen


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