Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.

I've inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father's hypochondria and lack of concentration. ...

Life is for the living.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Me and nature are two.

Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not ...