“I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of th ...

“The funny things they come up with.”

“I’m going to go rub his goat!”

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target”

The idyllic mayhem of two cultures colliding just doesn't seem as funny anymore.

“If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.”

“Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.”

I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out.

“Chocolate chips are like all caps”

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.

“Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.”

“If people could write as much as they write on Facebook in one day, they could write books and be ...

“I speak fluent gay. I took two years in high school and it just stuck.”

“Future begins with FU”

“The public votes with their wallets and this is an affirmation that funny is money.”

What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny.

People get starstruck when they meet me, it's quite funny.

“Two heads are better than one, even if they are both cabbage.”

“She was funny, and the best thing about her is that she was a nice person. Literally, I have neve ...

“In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in ...

“It's too late to go to bed early”