“A witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power”

“Yolo Swag - to do something crazy with swag”

A dimwit thinks nothing is funny unless it's mean.

“I get letters from women, and they say, 'I love your Roman nose.' If I weren't on TV and I walked ...

There are a lot of funny things that happen in one's life.

“There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them ...

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.

“A fellow who has a funny bone can learn to hone his skills, but I don't think you can develop a f ...

“My husband says I bitch cute”

“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little fr ...

Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better ma ...

“Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music,and the dancers knock each other down."”

“Every now and then, I hear people say that the road to success is always under construction. Wait ...

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. An ...

“San Francisco has a flowers-in-your-hair kind of vibe, while Chicago's got this very funny, big-c ...

I always was a funny guy, the class clown. I had a very funny dad and an extremely funny grandmother ...

?The hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too.?

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“There's a difference between being funny with your boys and being funny with strangers. Everyone' ...

I was always telling everybody that I could be funny.

“All I want for Chistmas is a boyfriend, but it seems I'm on that damn naughty list!”