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“Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hop ...

- Ogden Nash
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“The problem with playing the 'Fuck You' game is it ain't always your turn.”

- Jack Butler
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“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

- A.a. Milne (winne The Pooh)
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Funny how a little politeness can change people's minds.

- Sherman Alexie
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a se ...

- Albert Einstein
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Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.

- Paul Neilan
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“We have so many funny moments, like bringing guys up in different cities during 'Cater 2 U. There ...

- Kelly Rowland
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

- H. L. Mencken
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“I'm so glad God is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path, because I'm afraid of the Dark, ...

- Meghin Elizabeth Colley
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“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what ...

- Jack Handy
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“Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man's joke is always funny.”

- Hebrew Proverb
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very funny my sarcastic friend

- Cassandra Clare
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Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

- David Sedaris
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I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

- Walt Whitman
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“I was raised in the West. The West of texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than W ...

- George Bush
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A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age ...

- Claude Pepper
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“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she ...

- George Carlin
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Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I've always had a sense of humour.

- Henry Allingham
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My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

- Walter Matthau
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Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

- P. G. Wodehouse
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“Some people should come with a *brains not included* sticker”

- Laurel Clive
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