“Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hop ...

“The problem with playing the 'Fuck You' game is it ain't always your turn.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

Funny how a little politeness can change people's minds.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a se ...

Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.

“We have so many funny moments, like bringing guys up in different cities during 'Cater 2 U. There ...

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“I'm so glad God is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path, because I'm afraid of the Dark, ...

“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what ...

“Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man's joke is always funny.”

very funny my sarcastic friend

Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

“I was raised in the West. The West of texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than W ...

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age ...

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she ...

Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I've always had a sense of humour.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

“Some people should come with a *brains not included* sticker”