“That is funny. Of course, the bigger scoop will be if we hear something from Jesus .”

“We've been thinking of stuff to say that's funny all day and we've come up with nothing.”

“Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

“The New York Times gave me permission to be funny and write about what it is to be a woman and a ...

“How do i do this trick? Well even if I knew i wouldn't tell you.”

It's funny. I did give birth to an alien on 'The X-Files.' And it's just the teaser, so I'm dead bef ...

“A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good f ...

I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.

“Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says ...

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”

Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way.

“I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?”

“If you don't know where you're going, you might wind up some place else.”

I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so ...

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!”

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Unfortunately for novelists, real life is getting way too funny and far-fetched.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

“One way to solve a problem is to give it a different dress; another way is to send it on an erran ...

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experi ...

“Some people make cracks about life... I live in them.”