“Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.”

“I don't work with high-concept things that start with a premise, "Wouldn't it be funny if there w ...

“Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as th ...

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”

“God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marri ...

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.

“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.”

“If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates”

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

We just keep trying to beat every show with the funny stick until it's funny

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?

“And the extremes are what make the show so funny.”

“when a mosquito donates blood, it tells the whole world. Keggah Corner”

“I think believing is the first thing because momentum is a funny thing some times. You get moment ...

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so sm ...

“Life has been your art. You have set yourself to music. Your days are your sonnets.”

“Every person is capable of being an asset. If the right mind is not set, that same person is noth ...