“Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion”

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

“We hope he's OK. You don't wish this on anybody. ... The athletes are very unlucky and this is no ...

“At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I ...

I know I can't play funny roles in movies. I tried, and it didn't work.

“It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is f ...

“I hate procrastinating, but it's just so much easier not doing anything.”

If it gets laughs, it's funny.

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my ...

“When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I ...

“Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is ...

“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, beca ...

?There's more old Drunkards than old Doctors?

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

“First you must find... another shrubbery! (dramatic chord) Then, when you have found the shrubber ...

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

?Again, it was funny how many problems Shaq had against 6?8?

“Every tongue on the planet still speaks the name of Jesus, whether it's in a curse or a praise, e ...

“They are expecting funny stuff from me...perhaps they do not know! how broken, Lonely and dispers ...