“Never run in the rain with you're socks on”

“I'm like a kid in a candy store right now. I'm excited to be running, which is funny, because a l ...

“Sometimes—or usually, in your case—the best thing to do is shut up.”

“You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but s ...

“If you love something, set it free. Just don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes...”

I have deep comedic roots, and I want to be funny.

...

“I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that ...

“He can say things that are funny but they don't know because they can't understand it. Sometimes ...

“In a Fight its not about how strong you are, its about how weak the enemy is.”

“How did it get so late so soon?”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty ...

What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny.

“Every person as successful as me has the reputation of being difficult, especially if you're a wo ...

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”

“Who knows? Maybe my life belongs to God. Maybe it belongs to me. But I do know one thing: I'm dam ...

“If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”

“To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and ...

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

It's a bit like school camp, shooting a film. Everyone's on heat. It's a strange energy. It's full o ...